I received this today and got a good laugh out of it. There has been some sad stuff in the news lately, so hopefully this will help lighten your hearts a bit as you head into your weekend. I have added my own witty comments in red, so it will be just like I am reading over your shoulder. Ask my husband, it's great having me do that. Just don't watch CSI Miami. I can't help but give a running dialogue on Horatio. It just kills me to keep quiet then. Anyways, back on track here:
FOLLOW THESE 14 SIMPLE TESTS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO HAVE CHILDREN.
Test 1 - Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy:-
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans. (and think you look SO fabulous in those first two days of post partum, until you see pics of yourself later...)
Men: To prepare for children:-
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2 - Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. (AMEN to that!!!)
Test 3 - Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL. (or not, sometimes!)
Test 4 - Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test 5 - Cars
1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon. (like a minivan)
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there
.3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6 - Going For a Walk ( This is us, minus the screaming)
Wait. Go out the front door. Come back in again. Go out. Come back in again. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. (welcome to my world, welcome to my world, welcome to my world, welcome to my world. I said "WELCOME TO MY WORLD. never mind.)
Test 8 - Grocery Shopping (this one is my favorite. I love it!)
1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. (hahahahahahahahahahaha- this is so true)
Test 9 - Feeding a 1 year-old
1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. (get a dog to clean up the scraps)
Test 10 - TV
1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years. (or listen to nothing but Veggie Tale sing a longs in your cool minivan)
Test 11 - Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor & leave it there.
Test 12 - Long Trips with Toddlers
1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13 - Conversations
1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14 - Getting ready for work
1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
(and we do, don't we! Being able to laugh at ourselves helps though, doesn't it. )
4 comments:
That was hilarious. I loved the feeding the one year old especially. :)
hahaha.
I once had a couple tell my husband and I that they hate when people say they are so tired after having children, or that they aren't caught up on watching movies. They claimed that they "don't need that much sleep" and that they think they would be able to watch movies as much as they want, they just need to make sure the baby "knows who's boss"
my husband and I said nothing... not even after they told us how tired they were after their baby girl entered their lives. Not even when they told us they hadn't seen anything but veggie tales in the past few years.
but we still laugh at them behind their backs!!!
I love the part about sleep. I still shudder when I think of the times of colic and being up when I just knew everyone else in the ENTIRE world was sleeping.
And oh the questions!
And I so remember my brother telling us what we were doing wrong with our son when they did not have any kids of their own. I had to bite my tongue when they started having kids to not say---I TOLD YOU SO!
Someone forgot to include anything about the teenage years in this little test. Just when you think you could survive anything....they hit the double digits.
Awesome post! My favorite was the dressing the kid. I can surely remember the tears and flaring nostrils and anguish on that one...and we have boys! what in the world would i have done back then with bows and ribbons?
Loved this one!
btw...i have big issues w/ horatio. he even caused me to lose my ambition to watch the miami episodes....the way he stands and cocks his head. just strange, strange, strange!
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