Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Not Feeling so Peaceful
I could have cried my way through my grocery shop this morning. I was feeling really heavy hearted about our decision to public school the oldest two. I am not going to whine on and on about this, so you don't have to keep repeating the same encouraging comments. You can just go down to the post below to hear another amusing, yet humbling anecdote regarding my parenting skills instead of reading this if you are bored of the topic. My sinking gut started last night when my ex (who is the bio dad of our oldest two) expressed that he was really disappointed with the decision to put the kids back in school. I had mentioned it to him last week, but I guess he didn't think I was serious about it. I tried to explain that it wasn't a plan I hatched up and ran with, but that I had felt it weighing on my heart and mind and began seeking God's will regarding the whole issue. My ex was nice enough about it when we talked- he has concerns about what they will be exposed to. This morning I got kind of annoyed when I thought back to the conversation, as it is at his house that the kids get exposed to inappropriate stuff, and that ends up being more influential as it is the kid's father allowing it. I was further perturbed by the fact that he openly let our daughter know that he didn't like my decision- not that he bad mouthed me- he just clearly let her know that if it was his choice, he would want her to be at home and he would homeschool her if she wanted to come there. I didn't get how that was unsupportive and underhanded until I was mulling over it more today. Oh well, for me, parenting is not a popularity contest. So, this started me on the path of anxious thoughts and doubt. I guess this will be normal. I settled my thinking down this evening while doing dishes, thinking about how deciding to contine homeschooling would give me less peace as I truly feel that we are to enter this season of public school. When I start to question why or to wonder if I understood God wrong, I really falter. So, I guess the answer is to choose not to do that! It still doesn't FEEL good right now, but I am not to make decision by how I feel. There, now you have heard my pitiful blurb. I am sure this is just a process that I will go through. I felt like I was in mourning today. I don't like to make these kinds of changes. Ok, enough- now you can go read below for something more light hearted.
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5 comments:
Well... I didn't know what to say last time...but I think I do now.
First off, I'm not someone who thinks you have to ONLY homeschool. So know that as I make my next statement..
Go where the peace is !!! Where is the peace of God for you in this? Not the peace of man - but of GOD?
When you posted about your decision you wrote about peace. If that is the peace of God you felt in the decision - then go with that.
back in the old testament, when people had a visitation, or a moment with God they would build an altar by piling rocks on each other... I think we should still do this. Go out and find your rock -- and write on in the date that you had peace about the schooling and whenever the enemy makes you second guess yourself - go back to your "altar" with God and say "I felt your guidance and peace -- and just pour it out on Him."
Frankly, too, I'd like to throttle your ex. Totally unfair of him to be playing his daughter like that. One day she'll see through him, though...and that won't be a good day for him.
Gosh - I hope this all made sense...
May the Peace of God reign!!
Wow, thanks Comfy! Ever thought about being a motivational speaker? I guess you are- being a mommy.
Where I was yesterday is the place I put myself when I start to over think things. I guess I was having pity party too- in truth, I wish I was happily looking forward to homeschooling the kids again in the new year. It doesn't feel good to me to be in this position. Suck it up Janie Poo! "Worse things have happened. I am done with that attitude, and will take your awesome advice- it brought tears to my eyes to read it. I will go where the peace is, as I know I should have done yesterday. I prayed on and off, but didn't have my Bible open asking for guidance as I did the day before when I finally made the big phone call and enrolled the kids- that is when I experienced peace. Anyways, thanks for your comment. This is so juvenile, and I feel silly saying it, but I was anxious about losing the respect of some of my bloggy homeschooling friends over this- so having you comment means a lot.
Cindy over at Still His Girl just went through this. They just put there older ones in school and she is home schooling the others.
Every once in a while she talks about it.
Why don't you talk to her about your mourning process. I am sure she probably went through the same thing.
As far as what you ex pulled--good for you for not being naive.And since you know you heard God on this--he will soon see the results of a Godly decision.
Looking forward not behind.
In other words--try to tell your thoughts to HUSH.
I know nothing..*cough* at all *cough, cough* about overthinking. *sputter*
It usually happens after I make a choice, too. Or before a choice. Maybe that's why I recognized the signs. The signs of a need for an "altar moment". I've had a few. I have kept the rocks, too.
I also know what it feels like to have so many emotions and to not be able to do what we know we should do.
If God is leading you to put the kids in school - then make a marker. Paint on the rock. Put a date on it - something to remember the day that you heard from God...and rest in that peace.
I have a friend who was homeschooled but did not believe she was to carry on that tradition - she prays for Godly authority for her four kids.
When the enemy attacks - pray again and remind God of what He told you... I can't remember the scripture -- but there's one that God is writing a book of remembrance. Give Him something to remember. May He continue to guide your path...
with love in Jesus and
Bleach free blessings!
I think that every single decision made for our children will be wrought with a little concern and worry...but that's just because we love them so much.
Just get into God's Word and pray. When I get to a place of uncertainty, I just simply ask Him to close all doors that He wants to have shut and burst open the ones that are the best decision. He will, girl...because He loves you and your kids unfathomably. Hang in there, dear.
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