I Will Not Entertain Any More Lies.

I am not even quite sure how to succinctly say what the lies were that stored in my heart as a little girl and that I eventually built a foundation on. I thought I would have all the kinks worked out by now, but Satan certainly knows my weak spots: “ you are not pretty enough, you are not smart enough, you are not funny enough, you are not worth the trouble, you are a nuisance, you are dead weight, etc, etc.’ Did my parents tell me this? My mom certainly did not. My dad didn’t say all of these, though he did say some cruel things at times. He probably didn’t know the damage I did with it- He was reacting out of his own patterns learned since childhood. He did not know how to communicate with me- I filled in the blanks with lots of untruth about myself. I thought that my first marriage would fill those holes. Funny how I chose to stick to a relationship that had already ripped those gaps open wider. Funny how I clung to it just to prove that I was good enough and that he would love me, despite his already established pattern of selfishness and immaturity. Having children was and is a fulfilling experience for me. Marrying my present husband was like a gift- he demonstrated love and respect that I hadn’t ever received from another male. Do you know what though? It still isn’t enough to fill up a wounded heart. It is not an obvious thing; it shows up a lot in my thought life; in the messages I repeat to myself, the pressure I put on my self to be “good enough”. I am probably like you in many ways- I enjoy my life, I am happy, I am content- but I am still flawed. Flawed in a way that not even a big house, handsome husband, and 4 beautiful children can fix. ”. It is ok for me to admit that, because, do you know what? They are not SUPPOSED to! I am not supposed to fix me! I can’t ! Only my Creator can. Why was I allowed to be broken in the first place? Sometimes the things we deal with as children just don’t seem fair. Lately, God has been leading me to His Word. “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways”, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” These are the verses I have been falling back on. It is amazing to me that I can be a 34 year old, steady, Christian woman, and one bad week with my husband causes me to feel like a helpless child again- unable to ask for what I desparately want. What a tool I give Satan to use against me and my home when I allow that to occur. I always thought that if I just had enough faith, I would not feel this way. I am coming to the heart knowledge that my fears and insecurities are not necessarily wiped away because I know the Lord. They are what BRING ME TO THE LORD. I can be independent and stubborn. I need these in my life to remind me that I NEED HIM, to bring me to a place of humility where I am depending on His Word because I know it is the TRUTH, even when I don’t feel it, or see the solution any where in the horizon. The TRUTH really does bring freedom. The TRUTH is that I am not a helpless little girl anymore, and when I allow those feelings to overwhelm me, I will grasp onto my Saviour’s hand and KNOW that I am not alone. He has promised never to leave me, nor to forsake me. I am going to give Him the honor and respect that He deserves as my Lord and Protector. I am going to take Him at His Word. Those last few sentences are in the present tense because this may be a life long battle of mine. The cool thing is that victory is mine, because victory is found in my Healer.